Howdy again my friends, I hope all is well with you. I'd like to talk about something I feel is relevant to all of us, especially in this day and age of comparison. A theme that keeps popping up around me is that of doing things to keep up with expectations and appearances. I reckon we're all guilty of this at one point or another, aren't we? We buy things we don't need because it is trendy, or rocket propel ourselves headfirst into situations that aren't sustainable long term because it's what is cool. Our culture has a heavy influence on how we do things, and the order in which we approach them, including relationships. There is one huge problem with this, however – they don't care about you or your long-term wellbeing.
Now, I know this may sound pessimistic, but I will elaborate, so bear with me. The prevailing culture – I'll just call it popularity culture – only cares that you have the shiny thing, but really it doesn't care how you got it, or what happens after the trend dies. One current trend that is especially harmful is actually one we overlook so often, which is the cultural trend of jumping right into committed relationships but skipping dating and courtship. Now, why is it harmful, you may ask? Because we lock ourselves into something we might not be ready for, with somebody we don't really know, and hope that it's a good match.
Some of you are probably thinking that dating is synonymous with being in a committed relationship, but it isn't exactly so. We tend to get dating mixed up with going on dates – there is a difference. While it is true that going on dates occurs within this, as well as other steps in a relationship, it is actually necessary to go on non-committal dates before committing full-heartedly and dating exclusively. This step of going on dates is there for your benefit – it is an environment where you can get to know someone and decide if you want to proceed to know them better, or to find a better match.
After this step comes the courting stage – a place where one can really isolate and focus in on someone they are really considering, or at least it should be. The issue is that we fly through or even skip this step entirely as cultural norms tend to push everyone to get into a committed relationship ASAP, but that lands us in all kinds of hot water. Too often we compare where we're at to where someone else is and feel like we "need" what they've got, and we make brash decisions. So how do we get past the peer pressure to do this? By self-evaluation – asking the right questions ourselves and making decisions with what we find.
The right kinds of questions can help you understand so much about yourself and your "why", which can help you figure out what you want. What I've found that helps are in-to-out questions, where you ask questions inward, then start to look outward with the answers you find. An example I'd like to use is this question – Am I ready for a long-term relationship? At a glance we want to shout "yes!" Really though, are we? Are we sure it's not loneliness speaking? Good questions help you to probe and discover what isn't always obvious.
That's the hardest part about self-analysis: you have to be honest with yourself, and it's not always what you want to hear. One example of this is of someone I knew who deeply wanted a relationship, but they were struggling to take care of themselves. One day they had to ask themselves if they were actually in a place where they could actually sustain a healthy, long-term committed relationship, and they realized they couldn't yet – and that's okay. Remember my friends – you get to be the one who decides what culture you perpetuate, so learn how to perpetuate a healthy culture that builds you up. Your future is worth improving for – never forget that and take care my friends.
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