Some ways to help you find direction.

 Howdy again my friends, I hope life is treating you well. I have been learning a lot about effective counseling, communication, and decision-making lately, and I would like to share some stuff I have found could be useful and applicable to you all. Now, the reason I find this stuff useful is that, let's be honest, life has MANY decisions to make, as well as many options to consider. So how do we pick the "right" path in the direction of our lives?

I must clarify in advance that these approaches are not "cure-all" approaches, and that there is a certain responsibility for you to find what works best in your life. With that being said, however, I will comfortably state that these things I'll cover have helped me in my life and could benefit you as well. First and foremost, it is well advised to figure out whom you want to become, and where you want to end up down the road. The reason this step is important is that the decisions we make tend to reflect the outcomes we'll reach, so indecisiveness will not fly well.

When we establish a vision of what we want to do, it becomes easier to make hard decisions where there is so much noise and confusion in our way. This also helps us to embrace discomfort as part of the process rather than as some horrid, needless struggle that we have to endure. We can actually give purpose to pain, so that each struggle can benefit your overall growth and progress towards your destination.

Once we have our vision, we must recognize the need for a good support system, as it's not by ourselves that we get to where we want to be. I reckon we see lots of portrayals in the media that tell us the message "do it on your own", don't we? The truth of the matter, though, is that we are influenced and supported by those around us, even if we don't fully notice it. So now it is important to establish a support system that gives feedback and holds you accountable.

Often, we tend to want a yes-man conclave surrounding us, don't we? It's not bad to want validation and the constant "go ahead" from external validators to show that we're going the right way, but issues arise when we're surrounded by people who won't challenge our perceptions and give realistic feedback. Now I know you're probably saying, "well no copalite Sherlock" by now, but it's a genuine issue, especially in this social media saturated world we live in where we do so much for validation. A good support system will challenge you so that you can really decide if what you're doing really matches the path you're wanting to take.

There are some struggles that arise from a good support system, however, but are often preventable by learning a specific skill – the skill of not taking things personally. There is a stigma in today's society around the concept of being told to develop a thick skin, but that's just further evidence for developing this skill. It's okay to not be comfortable being told you're wrong – no one really wants to hear it, but sometimes an external perspective helps to point out issues with an approach. Why else are there so many therapy methods that are about focusing on trying to look at yourself from an outside perspective?

A good way to develop the capacity to receive feedback is by realizing and accepting that you're imperfect – all humans are. When we acknowledge and accept our humanity, we gain a greater capacity to accept that we won't do everything perfectly or correctly all the time, and thus we can be more content with our efforts. We tend to feel we have to be "perfect", everything goes from being something we want to do to a toxic, "must" that we feel we have to do – this is actually a cognitive distortion. When we feel we "must" do something, we no longer want to do that thing because we hate being told what to do, so we must show grace to ourselves.

That's the key here – finding the balance between grace and discipline, as once you find this balance, you will be able to sustain consistent, enduring progress and change. My hope for you, my friends, is that you will find the balance that works for you in the journey of becoming the person you've dreamed of becoming. Take care and do good – you're doing better than you think.

Ways I found to approach stress.

 Howdy my friends, I hope you are all doing well. I have been noticing a theme lately that concerns me because, really, it concerns everyone. So, what is this theme that has been weighing on me? Stress and society's attempt to run from the subject, even when stress is a much-needed variable in the equation of growth. Now I won't lie – I hate stress in all forms, even though I know it is good for me at times. I clarify this because this message is not saying that you've got to love the stress you experience, but rather that you should look at stress as a growth opportunity.

As a society, we tend to look at stress as the big "no-no", and as something bad; don't we? This mentality infiltrates all facets of daily life for us, including school, the workforce, the media, and even dating and long-term relationships! An example I will give is that one getting increasingly popular as the days go by, which is how people try to "run" from stress by using a "Cinderella" approach to relationships. So, what is the Cinderella approach? It's an approach where people wait for a Prince or Princess charming that they'll meet who will have everything they would ever want, who will sweep them off their feet and "fix" everything, then they'll live happily ever after.

Do you see the issue that resides in this concept? It is an attempt to run from stress by expecting someone else to handle the stress while we float on through life. That is one of the biggest issues we face – so often there is a message to "double it and pass it on" in regard to stress. This is where we double the stress and pass it to the next person, so we can avoid the stress ourselves. This erroneous concept removes the responsibility we have to take responsibility and action for our stress.

This theme repeats in so many aspects of life, much like an infection, and it is spreading at a very alarming rate. So how can we take responsibility and take action for our stress? How can we turn stress from a taboo into a boon? What is the remedy for this stress autoimmunity disorder? I would like to suggest three ways we can take this stress and make it into something productive.

The first way is to accept that stress is very real, but it doesn't have to define your experience. Stress is what I like to call a greedy perception, which is to say that it wants all of your attention, concern, and energy. The issue with this is that it wants to override the truth of your experiences and memories to highlight itself. To counter this, keep a positivity journal to highlight positive experiences and outcomes from the stressful situation, then focus on that. As you focus on the positive, you develop neurological pathways that – when exercised – will quickly spot the positive in other stressful situations.

The second way is to look for how stressful situations are helping get you to where you want to be. This principle reminds me of an old story I heard, where someone is drowning, and they pray for God to save them. Then, three different times, boats come and offer help, but the person drowning says "no, thank you, God will save me", then the person drowns. When the person gets to heaven, they ask God "why didn't you save me?" to which God replies, "I sent you three boats." Sometimes we have a desired destination of where and who we want to be, yet we rarely consider that. Often the way through presents itself, yet we overlook it because it's not how we expected it. The same can be said of stress – just because something is stressful doesn't mean it is wrong. Live in the moment and accept that stress is sometimes that moment, and it's okay.

The third and final way I'd like to recommend is to find ways to laugh at the absurdity of a stressful scenario. The choice to laugh in turn opens up other choices – it gives you certain control over the uncontrollable. Now I am not saying laugh like a psychopath at every bad thing that happens – but rather look for moments to express other emotions rather than just stress and anxiety, or else that's all you'll see. I hope that with these tools, you'll be able to see the good in your hardships – take care friends.

Addressing Pornography

 Howdy again my friends, I hope all is well with you and that life is going alright for you. Honestly, today I would like to talk about a more sensitive topic, and I would like to avoid mincing words and beating around the bush about it. The topic in question is that of pornography, and I know that it's apparently controversial to oppose it, yet that's exactly what I'm doing. Now, I am not doing this to judge anybody – that's not what I am here to do. I'm not oblivious to how hard life is, and how we as humans seek an escape from hardship, and dopamine responses are a pretty good escape.

The issue arises when the escape isn't – but actually is a very inviting trap. To quote an old friend of mine, "fresh air in a cage is better than none in a box." We often tend to feel that way, don't we? Like this world is overwhelming and that we have to run – to escape the discomfort of reality, or we'll die. It doesn't help that media is littered – and I do use litter in the context of trash here – with overtly sexual and pornographic materials. These things feed that "I need it, or I'll die" feeling towards anything sexual and intimate. Now we have to ask – why is that?

Part of it has to do with the fact that we live in an isolating world where technology replaces so many human interactions that we tend to be malnourished in intimate connection. This is followed by a subliminal message in the media that to truly "belong", you need that sensual yet transactional relationship that is somehow both committed yet free-range. Like, how the hell is that supposed to work? It doesn't, that's how. That's the trick of it – the media creates the dissonance, then gives an avenue to "escape" that dissonance. That avenue doesn't gravitate towards deep, meaningful and intimate relationships, but rather mirrors a cheap consumerism approach that keeps you buying more.

This cycle does so much harm in the long term as it warps our brains to truly think that how pornography works is how real relationships work. This in turn leads to all kinds of harm within the relationships we try to establish, as real relationships require work – not just a quick search and click. So how do we get out of that cycle? That's something I would like to look at with you all. The first step is to accept that the happy brain chemicals feel great – and there is nothing wrong with your brain and body responding positively to them. It's perfectly natural and, when used in the right conditions, a wonderful and beautiful thing – but porn just "ain't it".

The second step is to recognize that you want deep connection, not just a hit of dopamine. Once you realize that shallow pools aren't sufficient to sail to better lands, you must seek that which is deeper. To quote a character from one of my favorite shows, "It's time to look inward and start asking yourself the big question: who are you and what do you want?" — Uncle Iroh. You have to cross analyze your current habits with whom you want to become and then make changes to what you're currently doing to get where you want to be.

The third step is to acknowledge what your habit has contributed to you – both good and bad. You must also accept that you're going to experience feelings of loss and mourning as your brain does not know the difference between quitting this habit and losing a relationship. Part of letting go is mourning that which has been present for so long, and habits are no exception to this principle, so let yourself feel. You're not a villain or horrible for missing something that has been a constant and a support for you, you are human.

The fourth step is to not throw yourself into whatever "feels good" next – you're still wounded after all. Take your time and embrace the discomfort – it will be worthwhile when you persevere and reach the person you want to become. Let yourself grow and find your pace – it will be worth it. I believe in you! Keep pushing out of the pit and eventually you'll make it. Take care until next time my friends.

Perpetuating healthy dating culture.

 Howdy again my friends, I hope all is well with you. I'd like to talk about something I feel is relevant to all of us, especially in this day and age of comparison. A theme that keeps popping up around me is that of doing things to keep up with expectations and appearances. I reckon we're all guilty of this at one point or another, aren't we? We buy things we don't need because it is trendy, or rocket propel ourselves headfirst into situations that aren't sustainable long term because it's what is cool. Our culture has a heavy influence on how we do things, and the order in which we approach them, including relationships. There is one huge problem with this, however – they don't care about you or your long-term wellbeing.

Now, I know this may sound pessimistic, but I will elaborate, so bear with me. The prevailing culture – I'll just call it popularity culture – only cares that you have the shiny thing, but really it doesn't care how you got it, or what happens after the trend dies. One current trend that is especially harmful is actually one we overlook so often, which is the cultural trend of jumping right into committed relationships but skipping dating and courtship. Now, why is it harmful, you may ask? Because we lock ourselves into something we might not be ready for, with somebody we don't really know, and hope that it's a good match.

Some of you are probably thinking that dating is synonymous with being in a committed relationship, but it isn't exactly so. We tend to get dating mixed up with going on dates – there is a difference. While it is true that going on dates occurs within this, as well as other steps in a relationship, it is actually necessary to go on non-committal dates before committing full-heartedly and dating exclusively. This step of going on dates is there for your benefit – it is an environment where you can get to know someone and decide if you want to proceed to know them better, or to find a better match.

After this step comes the courting stage – a place where one can really isolate and focus in on someone they are really considering, or at least it should be. The issue is that we fly through or even skip this step entirely as cultural norms tend to push everyone to get into a committed relationship ASAP, but that lands us in all kinds of hot water. Too often we compare where we're at to where someone else is and feel like we "need" what they've got, and we make brash decisions. So how do we get past the peer pressure to do this? By self-evaluation – asking the right questions ourselves and making decisions with what we find.

The right kinds of questions can help you understand so much about yourself and your "why", which can help you figure out what you want. What I've found that helps are in-to-out questions, where you ask questions inward, then start to look outward with the answers you find. An example I'd like to use is this question – Am I ready for a long-term relationship? At a glance we want to shout "yes!" Really though, are we? Are we sure it's not loneliness speaking? Good questions help you to probe and discover what isn't always obvious.

That's the hardest part about self-analysis: you have to be honest with yourself, and it's not always what you want to hear. One example of this is of someone I knew who deeply wanted a relationship, but they were struggling to take care of themselves. One day they had to ask themselves if they were actually in a place where they could actually sustain a healthy, long-term committed relationship, and they realized they couldn't yet – and that's okay. Remember my friends – you get to be the one who decides what culture you perpetuate, so learn how to perpetuate a healthy culture that builds you up. Your future is worth improving for – never forget that and take care my friends.

Don't trust what the chemicals say.

 Howdy my friends. I hope you've been well. A topic that has been on my mind a lot lately is dating and marriage – specifically because I struggle with depression, and it has affected my capacity to do these things. If you're anything like me, dating is a literally painful thing, especially when every rejection feels like a personal attack and a demerit to your character. I would like to try to instill within you a spark of hope that can grow into a bonfire, should you decide to nurture it. I would like to do this by speaking about some principle that can help you get a grasp of how you function, and how you can take action.

The first principle I'd like to discuss is taking inventory of yourself – you can't accurately find something if you don't know what you're looking for after all. I remember one of my professors saying, "intentionally acting is greater than blind determination". This is useful to know because it's an error we all tend to make at one point or another – we blindly throw ourselves at our problems rather than studying and intentionally acting. This leads to all kinds of mistakes and pains that could have been avoided. Part of the journey is finding your "why" for looking for a relationship – Why do you want a relationship? I bet part of you says, "because I don't want to be alone". This is completely valid, but it's often not the whole of it – Is it?

This is why taking inventory is so important – almost all things within us have explanations and reasons beyond the surface, yet we don't often explore what those are. Typically, the reason "I don't want to be alone" is really a fear rather than a desire – it reflects that, for one reason or another, being alone scares us, so we seek companionship to remove the discomfort. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but getting into a relationship for that purpose isn't going to fix that – it will only distract you for a time. Eventually it will come back with a vengeance. The reason for this is that typically the start of a new relationship or connection is full of Eros love, which is basically an infatuated love, driven by serotonin, adrenaline, norepinephrine, and dopamine.

When we're full of these chemicals, we have a buffer that makes us feel good for a time, but eventually it will wear off, and you'll suffer from withdrawals. After this, you'll want to keep chasing the high, even if it means terminating a perfectly healthy relationship to get your fix. An example of this I would like to use is from the history of medicine. In the 1800s, cough syrup often included Morphine, Chloroform, Alcohol, Cannabis, and Heroin together – it was a concoction of "feel good" chemicals, but it didn't fix anything – it just distracted from the symptoms. Now, I am not saying that our brain chemicals are a bad thing – they are actually very natural, healthy and helpful. We just have to be cognizant of what our drive is for our relationships.

Another part of this self-inventory is recognizing that your worth is not determined by what is or isn't happening in your life – especially in regard to relationships. The truth is that we're not everyone's cup of tea and that's okay, so that means that rejection isn't always personal, even if it feels like it. With this in mind, take heart that this also means that the problem isn't always you. Ask yourself if it's just the metaphorical "table" you keep sitting at – sometimes it just means that we need to get up and sit somewhere else. It's not defeat if something is not working out – it just means that something else will work out better, so it's about keeping moving and not giving up on your journey for the life you want. I hope this helps you keep moving towards the future you want, my friends. Take care.

A thought about perceptions..

 Howdy again my friends! A lot has been on my mind lately, but one of the thoughts that keeps reoccurring is on the topic of perception. As I have learned about perception, I have learned that we have actual physiological responses to things according to how we perceive them. The issue here is that sometimes what we perceive is not what has actually happened, and there is a disparity between what we perceive as truth, and what really is true. This leads to my question – How can we find truth beyond our perceptions without also discrediting our experiences?

To explore this, I actually went down a little rabbit hole and actually found myself looking at a study in the National Library of Medicine titled "How our bodies influence our perception of the world". Part of the study delved into how where we are standing affects how we perceive something. They found that how you are angled affects the distance you perceive. Now it's all well and good to know that where we stand impacts how we perceive things, but how does that help us? That is the "meat" of what I'd like to talk about.

I would like to propose that where we stand internally – including where we stand in our convictions and ideologies – influences how we perceive what we encounter. An example I would like to use is one from personal experience. I have had many encounters where yelling indicated violence because that is often what occurred during or immediately following it, so inside my perception was that all instances of yelling indicated violence. One day I encountered a couple yelling at each other and my instant perception was "this is going to get violent". What I didn't realize was that they were yelling because the husband played a prank on his wife. The yelling was because they were having fun, and it wasn't actually hostile – it was just loud.

After this experience, I was left to wonder if my perception of yelling was really accurate, or if my perception was actually tied to the loudness. This led me to understand that perception at its roots has two perspectives. First there is the perception of the conscious – this is where we perceive things conscientiously and outright – in my case it was the conscious perception of yelling equaling anger from experiences. Second, there is the perception of the subconscious – this is the perceptions we obtain that we don't notice. In my instance, loudness indicated violence according to my subconscious perception rather than yelling. Often the conscious observes the literal surface, and the subconscious observes the roots, or emotions.

With these things in mind, I'd like to broaden my scope to relationships and how we perceive them. If you're anything like me, you've probably had lots of bad experiences with relationships, and it has damaged your perception of relationships as a whole. It's easy to fall into the cognitive distortion of "all or nothing" thinking – a type of thinking pattern where we feel that since something has happened before, that will remain the "new normal". Don't beat yourself up for doing this – it's only natural to look for patterns to prevent future pain, but consider something a wise therapist once told me. He said, "You may be right ten out of ten times, but that is not to say that the eleventh time won't be different."

Now, I am not saying that you should keep throwing yourself into unhealthy relationships with reckless abandon, rather I am suggesting you question perceptions and explore them. That is the root concept here – to challenge your thinking and perceptions. We assume the worst as a kneejerk response to similar situations. You aren't evil for doing this – it is just important to remember that what you are perceiving might not actually be the case. You won't always do perfectly, but that's okay as well – we are all growing and learning, so keep at it my friends.

You've got power to change things.

 Howdy again my lovely folks! If you all know me (or even if you don't) you will quickly find that I love family. It's no secret that families are complex ecosystems that develop future generations and perpetuate systems of society, but they aren't always easy. With that in mind, I must confess that my upbringing was turbulent and not the healthiest – something I reckon many of you can sympathize with. This leads to a major question: How can we create a healthier culture for our family of creation that doesn't perpetuate the flaws of our family of origin?

When your family situation and upbringing are less than ideal, it's not uncommon for you to feel broken and out of place. Often this is a type of social cognitive dissonance that we experience when the actions or values of our family of origin do not match that of the societal expectations and standards. Family culture and systems help influence how we interpret our worldview, and when facing any form of cognitive dissonance, we must choose to either change our values or change our actions to address the discomfort we feel. I'd like to cover some steps that can hopefully help to launch you on your journey to better horizons.

The first step I'd like to emphasize is that of figuring out what your family culture is. When addressing a wound, you have to first acknowledge that you are hurt and find where you were hurt. Once upon a time, I was trained to become an Emergency Medical Technician, or EMT for short. Part of that training was learning how to rapidly triage a patient, and that training emphasized how asking questions, paired with observing responses, environmental factors, and "negative space". These put together paint a more complete picture, so we know how to best help. The process is similar when figuring out what to address when dealing with breaking the cycle of generational issues.

Generational issues are hard to really notice without taking an outside perspective, so it's good to find multiple outside examples to get a good frame of reference of what's within – that's what negative space is. What's amazing about this approach is you get to choose what you want to perpetuate, and what you want to do away with. Life stops being a force that acts upon you, and to a certain extent becomes a thing to be acted upon. Once you find what can be acted upon, then comes the responsibility to act, or to let things slide. A simple rule I've learned to adopt in relation to this is that you can't be mad with the outcomes of the things you refused to address.

Part of addressing things is to acknowledge the efforts of your family with the acceptance that they were doing the best they knew how. Now I know, in many instances, it feels like they should have known better, but the truth is there is a disparity between knowing what something is and applying it. An example I would like to use is that of knowing what tools are versus using those tools to build a house – you can know what tools are but not know how to apply them to build a house. Likewise, people can know the "tools" used for building a healthy family dynamic but not know how to apply them to building a home. It is your responsibility to observe what made the home broken and learn how to apply the tools to build a new, better home and dynamic. I know that the pain of the past can't be changed, but the power is in you to change the pain of the future – I believe in you, my friends.