Some things I hope y'all remember

 How are you doing my friends? I hope all is well with you. I have personally been quite sad this week since it was the last week of my classes for the semester, and I think that influences what I would like to talk about. What has been on my mind has to be about moving forward and applying new things to life.

I feel it is very common to experience fear as we reach endings, don't we? I certainly know it is this way for myself, and so I would like to say a message of hope. Furthermore, I used to hate change – mainly because, at its core, I hated the idea of becoming "different" than I was. With that being said, I have found that as we learn new things, we have a responsibility to act upon what we learn. As I have learned over time, if we want to reach new places, we must do new things.

Here are some things that I have learned that I hope stick with you all. First, recognizing and accepting your past can have a huge impact on dealing with becoming the person you wish to become. Often, we reach this point in self-improvement where we encounter an impasse because we don't take the time to figure out how we function. When we don't understand how we've been impacted by our past and upbringing, we won't understand what to work on.

Some ways to figure out how we function is by understanding our upbringing with our families. As we understand our family's dynamic, we will grasp how we function. With this in mind, we also have to be mindful of what else impacts us. With this considered, we have to be mindful of how our culture influences our perceptions.

Another thing that I feel is important to share is that just because life is moving on, doesn't mean that life is bad. What I've learned from lots of my classes is that change does not have to be bad – it can be the gateway to a more enjoyable – howbeit different – life. This can also be applied to your relationships – just because your relationship is changing doesn't mean the relationship is wrong.

We're not meant to stay the same, and when we see this reflected in our relationships, it means that we have planted in a good spot. This actually leads to the next thing that I hope you all understand, which is that some "spots" are better than others, but you have to keep looking for them. Now, I totally understand human nature, and that sometimes the thing that is available seems like it's the only option, but you need to use your head.

When it comes to using your head on such things, start with the end in mind – what do you want your future to look like? What do your actions and values do to reflect that? What can you change, or take action to start changing now? These are all questions we should ponder before ever entering into something. This helps you to be wise in what you look for, allow, etc.

The final thing I would like to convey to you all before I mosey for the time being is that you should not listen to the F.O.M.O. that sometimes pops up. When life doesn't play out like you thought it would, it isn't the end. I know the world is loud and that with social media it feels like everyone is so far ahead, but pace yourself – it isn't about their journey. Try to keep focusing on your life and goals, and eventually you'll find that your life is satisfying – not because it may look like what you thought, but rather because you can say comfortably it is your life. I hope you all can see that it is your life, so enjoy the journey and take care.

A little groundwork for parenting.

 Howdy again my friends, today I would like to talk about a touchy subject that I reckon is quite unpopular in this day and age – specifically about parenting. Now I know I am no professional, nor am I a parent, but that's not the lens through which I am going to approach this subject today. I feel that some of the best ways to teach correct principles is by learning from experience and sharing what you've gone through – after all, history not learned from is doomed to repeat itself.

To start, I must confess that I grew up in a rather unstable home with dynamics fluctuating and changing. Now why does this matter? It matters because it has impacted how I perceived everything from social interactions to emotional responses and has made life a far more difficult endeavor for me than it ought to have been. For years, I wondered why I was the way I turned out, yet eventually I learned the root of the issues I faced started in my home as a youth.

The home is the ground on which children grow and learn how to function, yet often that soil is needlessly rocky and infertile. So, why is it this way? I have found that, often times, it is caused by parents lacking a vision of the bigger picture of what they want their family to be, and how to get there. It is true that we live in a consumerist society that tends to look at things through the scope of "me, myself, and I" and it pollutes the household. So, this begs the question – how do we change this?

The first step is to make the ground you'll build upon stable and level. It is a popular practice for people to cohabitate rather than marry – this is the first mistake as it, in essence, says, "this home will stand as long as it's convenient for me". Do you want a happier relationship with your family? Learn to take the leap of faith and sacrifice – the moment you're in a relationship and/or are a parent, it is no longer just about you – and this door swings both ways. It takes two to tango, and sometimes it's like a couple has four left feet.

The next thing is to figure out your dynamic with your significant other, as well as with your kids. The reason for this is that kids need clarity and defined roles rather than an ever-shifting power struggle to figure out who's in charge. Why does this matter? Because if this stuff isn't figured out, there is going to be a greater difficulty for those kids to emotionally regulate. Part of this process includes learning how to not argue but rather talk things out.

The third step is to recognize that the tone you set for your home will reflect the tone you set for your kid's mentality. If the tone of your home is one of anger and fear, then your child's mentality will often reflect that in their actions and thoughts. With this concept in mind, you have to take ownership of your mentality and make adjustments at times. Your kids need to see that the thing you're asking them to do can be done, or they will constantly be looking for ways to fulfill the order through unhealthy avenues.

Now the final step I'd like to cover is quite simple really – be the demonstration of what kind of standards you want to perpetuate through your kids but love them regardless of if they choose to do so or not. At the end of the day, and no matter the age, your kids just need to know that they are loved and safe, so be the environment that they can be those things in. I know life is busy and hard, but know that if it is this hard for you, then how hard is it for them? I hope this gives you all something to think about, and I hope you all take care. You've got this my friends!

Keeping finances from being parasitic.

 Howdy friends, I hope all is well. Today I would honestly like to talk about something a smidge different from what I normally do, but it actually will fit into the overall theme of what I tend to talk about, I promise. So, what is it that has been on my mind? Finances – that's what has been on my mind, especially since finances play such a consistent, vital role in our lives.

Now, I would like to state the obvious – I am no "finance guru" and I don't reckon I'm the best person to go to for financial advice. With that being said, I know sufficient about finances and emotional wellbeing to know that the two topics coincide with each other in a symbiotic relationship. When managed poorly, finances actually become a parasitic relationship that saps away energy and wellbeing, both when you're single and when you're in a relationship.

So, how do we stop this relationship from becoming parasitic? That's what I would like to cover mainly. The first principle I would like to instill in the matter is that you should not tie your intrinsic worth with fiscal value. A very common theme present in the media is the message "if you're not rich, you're a bum and a nobody." When we tie our worth to something so fickle as temporary wealth, we will find ourselves often measuring self-worth upon how much money we have. We will continue to chase wealth rather than find satisfaction with who we are now.

Another principle to avoid this parasitic relationship is by realizing that money, while a useful tool, is not the metric of a fulfilled life. Too often we forget that money is just a neutral tool – it is neither good nor bad, so it therefore is not a means to measure the quality of a life. Now, I am not saying that life can't be a bit easier if you have more money – heaven knows how difficult it is to function when we're working two or three jobs to scrape by. With that being said, money doesn't measure the greatness of a life. Some of the most fulfilled people tend to be those who aren't super rich, but rather those who find satisfaction with the life they lead.

Part of that fulfillment comes when you remember that time is the resource you can't get back, but money will come again. Why does this principle matter so much? Because the parasitic relationship with finances swings both ways into two extremes – we either are too loose with our resources or are too stingy with them. We often find ourselves not using our resources, saving them for some distant day, yet when it comes, we realize that we let so much life pass us by. What is the point of saving if we don't use what we're saving? Go on that trip, buy that little treat, go on that date – just don't lose yourself in the search for wealth. Life is the ultimate wealth, yet we bury that treasure.

The final principle is to be wise – not everything that can take up our resources deserves those things. We're often like little kids who see a shiny thing and go "I want it" but that doesn't necessarily mean it's worth our time or effort. Think about all the times that we see something that deep down is literally just junk, yet the packaging says it is treasure. Part of finances is recognizing what is trash, and what is treasure. So how do we do this? By seeing how something either builds towards or retracts from the life we want to live. My hope is that you all will be sufficiently wise enough to enjoy the lives you live and obtain the lives you want. Take care my friends.

Some ways to help you find direction.

 Howdy again my friends, I hope life is treating you well. I have been learning a lot about effective counseling, communication, and decision-making lately, and I would like to share some stuff I have found could be useful and applicable to you all. Now, the reason I find this stuff useful is that, let's be honest, life has MANY decisions to make, as well as many options to consider. So how do we pick the "right" path in the direction of our lives?

I must clarify in advance that these approaches are not "cure-all" approaches, and that there is a certain responsibility for you to find what works best in your life. With that being said, however, I will comfortably state that these things I'll cover have helped me in my life and could benefit you as well. First and foremost, it is well advised to figure out whom you want to become, and where you want to end up down the road. The reason this step is important is that the decisions we make tend to reflect the outcomes we'll reach, so indecisiveness will not fly well.

When we establish a vision of what we want to do, it becomes easier to make hard decisions where there is so much noise and confusion in our way. This also helps us to embrace discomfort as part of the process rather than as some horrid, needless struggle that we have to endure. We can actually give purpose to pain, so that each struggle can benefit your overall growth and progress towards your destination.

Once we have our vision, we must recognize the need for a good support system, as it's not by ourselves that we get to where we want to be. I reckon we see lots of portrayals in the media that tell us the message "do it on your own", don't we? The truth of the matter, though, is that we are influenced and supported by those around us, even if we don't fully notice it. So now it is important to establish a support system that gives feedback and holds you accountable.

Often, we tend to want a yes-man conclave surrounding us, don't we? It's not bad to want validation and the constant "go ahead" from external validators to show that we're going the right way, but issues arise when we're surrounded by people who won't challenge our perceptions and give realistic feedback. Now I know you're probably saying, "well no copalite Sherlock" by now, but it's a genuine issue, especially in this social media saturated world we live in where we do so much for validation. A good support system will challenge you so that you can really decide if what you're doing really matches the path you're wanting to take.

There are some struggles that arise from a good support system, however, but are often preventable by learning a specific skill – the skill of not taking things personally. There is a stigma in today's society around the concept of being told to develop a thick skin, but that's just further evidence for developing this skill. It's okay to not be comfortable being told you're wrong – no one really wants to hear it, but sometimes an external perspective helps to point out issues with an approach. Why else are there so many therapy methods that are about focusing on trying to look at yourself from an outside perspective?

A good way to develop the capacity to receive feedback is by realizing and accepting that you're imperfect – all humans are. When we acknowledge and accept our humanity, we gain a greater capacity to accept that we won't do everything perfectly or correctly all the time, and thus we can be more content with our efforts. We tend to feel we have to be "perfect", everything goes from being something we want to do to a toxic, "must" that we feel we have to do – this is actually a cognitive distortion. When we feel we "must" do something, we no longer want to do that thing because we hate being told what to do, so we must show grace to ourselves.

That's the key here – finding the balance between grace and discipline, as once you find this balance, you will be able to sustain consistent, enduring progress and change. My hope for you, my friends, is that you will find the balance that works for you in the journey of becoming the person you've dreamed of becoming. Take care and do good – you're doing better than you think.

Ways I found to approach stress.

 Howdy my friends, I hope you are all doing well. I have been noticing a theme lately that concerns me because, really, it concerns everyone. So, what is this theme that has been weighing on me? Stress and society's attempt to run from the subject, even when stress is a much-needed variable in the equation of growth. Now I won't lie – I hate stress in all forms, even though I know it is good for me at times. I clarify this because this message is not saying that you've got to love the stress you experience, but rather that you should look at stress as a growth opportunity.

As a society, we tend to look at stress as the big "no-no", and as something bad; don't we? This mentality infiltrates all facets of daily life for us, including school, the workforce, the media, and even dating and long-term relationships! An example I will give is that one getting increasingly popular as the days go by, which is how people try to "run" from stress by using a "Cinderella" approach to relationships. So, what is the Cinderella approach? It's an approach where people wait for a Prince or Princess charming that they'll meet who will have everything they would ever want, who will sweep them off their feet and "fix" everything, then they'll live happily ever after.

Do you see the issue that resides in this concept? It is an attempt to run from stress by expecting someone else to handle the stress while we float on through life. That is one of the biggest issues we face – so often there is a message to "double it and pass it on" in regard to stress. This is where we double the stress and pass it to the next person, so we can avoid the stress ourselves. This erroneous concept removes the responsibility we have to take responsibility and action for our stress.

This theme repeats in so many aspects of life, much like an infection, and it is spreading at a very alarming rate. So how can we take responsibility and take action for our stress? How can we turn stress from a taboo into a boon? What is the remedy for this stress autoimmunity disorder? I would like to suggest three ways we can take this stress and make it into something productive.

The first way is to accept that stress is very real, but it doesn't have to define your experience. Stress is what I like to call a greedy perception, which is to say that it wants all of your attention, concern, and energy. The issue with this is that it wants to override the truth of your experiences and memories to highlight itself. To counter this, keep a positivity journal to highlight positive experiences and outcomes from the stressful situation, then focus on that. As you focus on the positive, you develop neurological pathways that – when exercised – will quickly spot the positive in other stressful situations.

The second way is to look for how stressful situations are helping get you to where you want to be. This principle reminds me of an old story I heard, where someone is drowning, and they pray for God to save them. Then, three different times, boats come and offer help, but the person drowning says "no, thank you, God will save me", then the person drowns. When the person gets to heaven, they ask God "why didn't you save me?" to which God replies, "I sent you three boats." Sometimes we have a desired destination of where and who we want to be, yet we rarely consider that. Often the way through presents itself, yet we overlook it because it's not how we expected it. The same can be said of stress – just because something is stressful doesn't mean it is wrong. Live in the moment and accept that stress is sometimes that moment, and it's okay.

The third and final way I'd like to recommend is to find ways to laugh at the absurdity of a stressful scenario. The choice to laugh in turn opens up other choices – it gives you certain control over the uncontrollable. Now I am not saying laugh like a psychopath at every bad thing that happens – but rather look for moments to express other emotions rather than just stress and anxiety, or else that's all you'll see. I hope that with these tools, you'll be able to see the good in your hardships – take care friends.

Addressing Pornography

 Howdy again my friends, I hope all is well with you and that life is going alright for you. Honestly, today I would like to talk about a more sensitive topic, and I would like to avoid mincing words and beating around the bush about it. The topic in question is that of pornography, and I know that it's apparently controversial to oppose it, yet that's exactly what I'm doing. Now, I am not doing this to judge anybody – that's not what I am here to do. I'm not oblivious to how hard life is, and how we as humans seek an escape from hardship, and dopamine responses are a pretty good escape.

The issue arises when the escape isn't – but actually is a very inviting trap. To quote an old friend of mine, "fresh air in a cage is better than none in a box." We often tend to feel that way, don't we? Like this world is overwhelming and that we have to run – to escape the discomfort of reality, or we'll die. It doesn't help that media is littered – and I do use litter in the context of trash here – with overtly sexual and pornographic materials. These things feed that "I need it, or I'll die" feeling towards anything sexual and intimate. Now we have to ask – why is that?

Part of it has to do with the fact that we live in an isolating world where technology replaces so many human interactions that we tend to be malnourished in intimate connection. This is followed by a subliminal message in the media that to truly "belong", you need that sensual yet transactional relationship that is somehow both committed yet free-range. Like, how the hell is that supposed to work? It doesn't, that's how. That's the trick of it – the media creates the dissonance, then gives an avenue to "escape" that dissonance. That avenue doesn't gravitate towards deep, meaningful and intimate relationships, but rather mirrors a cheap consumerism approach that keeps you buying more.

This cycle does so much harm in the long term as it warps our brains to truly think that how pornography works is how real relationships work. This in turn leads to all kinds of harm within the relationships we try to establish, as real relationships require work – not just a quick search and click. So how do we get out of that cycle? That's something I would like to look at with you all. The first step is to accept that the happy brain chemicals feel great – and there is nothing wrong with your brain and body responding positively to them. It's perfectly natural and, when used in the right conditions, a wonderful and beautiful thing – but porn just "ain't it".

The second step is to recognize that you want deep connection, not just a hit of dopamine. Once you realize that shallow pools aren't sufficient to sail to better lands, you must seek that which is deeper. To quote a character from one of my favorite shows, "It's time to look inward and start asking yourself the big question: who are you and what do you want?" — Uncle Iroh. You have to cross analyze your current habits with whom you want to become and then make changes to what you're currently doing to get where you want to be.

The third step is to acknowledge what your habit has contributed to you – both good and bad. You must also accept that you're going to experience feelings of loss and mourning as your brain does not know the difference between quitting this habit and losing a relationship. Part of letting go is mourning that which has been present for so long, and habits are no exception to this principle, so let yourself feel. You're not a villain or horrible for missing something that has been a constant and a support for you, you are human.

The fourth step is to not throw yourself into whatever "feels good" next – you're still wounded after all. Take your time and embrace the discomfort – it will be worthwhile when you persevere and reach the person you want to become. Let yourself grow and find your pace – it will be worth it. I believe in you! Keep pushing out of the pit and eventually you'll make it. Take care until next time my friends.

Perpetuating healthy dating culture.

 Howdy again my friends, I hope all is well with you. I'd like to talk about something I feel is relevant to all of us, especially in this day and age of comparison. A theme that keeps popping up around me is that of doing things to keep up with expectations and appearances. I reckon we're all guilty of this at one point or another, aren't we? We buy things we don't need because it is trendy, or rocket propel ourselves headfirst into situations that aren't sustainable long term because it's what is cool. Our culture has a heavy influence on how we do things, and the order in which we approach them, including relationships. There is one huge problem with this, however – they don't care about you or your long-term wellbeing.

Now, I know this may sound pessimistic, but I will elaborate, so bear with me. The prevailing culture – I'll just call it popularity culture – only cares that you have the shiny thing, but really it doesn't care how you got it, or what happens after the trend dies. One current trend that is especially harmful is actually one we overlook so often, which is the cultural trend of jumping right into committed relationships but skipping dating and courtship. Now, why is it harmful, you may ask? Because we lock ourselves into something we might not be ready for, with somebody we don't really know, and hope that it's a good match.

Some of you are probably thinking that dating is synonymous with being in a committed relationship, but it isn't exactly so. We tend to get dating mixed up with going on dates – there is a difference. While it is true that going on dates occurs within this, as well as other steps in a relationship, it is actually necessary to go on non-committal dates before committing full-heartedly and dating exclusively. This step of going on dates is there for your benefit – it is an environment where you can get to know someone and decide if you want to proceed to know them better, or to find a better match.

After this step comes the courting stage – a place where one can really isolate and focus in on someone they are really considering, or at least it should be. The issue is that we fly through or even skip this step entirely as cultural norms tend to push everyone to get into a committed relationship ASAP, but that lands us in all kinds of hot water. Too often we compare where we're at to where someone else is and feel like we "need" what they've got, and we make brash decisions. So how do we get past the peer pressure to do this? By self-evaluation – asking the right questions ourselves and making decisions with what we find.

The right kinds of questions can help you understand so much about yourself and your "why", which can help you figure out what you want. What I've found that helps are in-to-out questions, where you ask questions inward, then start to look outward with the answers you find. An example I'd like to use is this question – Am I ready for a long-term relationship? At a glance we want to shout "yes!" Really though, are we? Are we sure it's not loneliness speaking? Good questions help you to probe and discover what isn't always obvious.

That's the hardest part about self-analysis: you have to be honest with yourself, and it's not always what you want to hear. One example of this is of someone I knew who deeply wanted a relationship, but they were struggling to take care of themselves. One day they had to ask themselves if they were actually in a place where they could actually sustain a healthy, long-term committed relationship, and they realized they couldn't yet – and that's okay. Remember my friends – you get to be the one who decides what culture you perpetuate, so learn how to perpetuate a healthy culture that builds you up. Your future is worth improving for – never forget that and take care my friends.