Some ways to help you find direction.

 Howdy again my friends, I hope life is treating you well. I have been learning a lot about effective counseling, communication, and decision-making lately, and I would like to share some stuff I have found could be useful and applicable to you all. Now, the reason I find this stuff useful is that, let's be honest, life has MANY decisions to make, as well as many options to consider. So how do we pick the "right" path in the direction of our lives?

I must clarify in advance that these approaches are not "cure-all" approaches, and that there is a certain responsibility for you to find what works best in your life. With that being said, however, I will comfortably state that these things I'll cover have helped me in my life and could benefit you as well. First and foremost, it is well advised to figure out whom you want to become, and where you want to end up down the road. The reason this step is important is that the decisions we make tend to reflect the outcomes we'll reach, so indecisiveness will not fly well.

When we establish a vision of what we want to do, it becomes easier to make hard decisions where there is so much noise and confusion in our way. This also helps us to embrace discomfort as part of the process rather than as some horrid, needless struggle that we have to endure. We can actually give purpose to pain, so that each struggle can benefit your overall growth and progress towards your destination.

Once we have our vision, we must recognize the need for a good support system, as it's not by ourselves that we get to where we want to be. I reckon we see lots of portrayals in the media that tell us the message "do it on your own", don't we? The truth of the matter, though, is that we are influenced and supported by those around us, even if we don't fully notice it. So now it is important to establish a support system that gives feedback and holds you accountable.

Often, we tend to want a yes-man conclave surrounding us, don't we? It's not bad to want validation and the constant "go ahead" from external validators to show that we're going the right way, but issues arise when we're surrounded by people who won't challenge our perceptions and give realistic feedback. Now I know you're probably saying, "well no copalite Sherlock" by now, but it's a genuine issue, especially in this social media saturated world we live in where we do so much for validation. A good support system will challenge you so that you can really decide if what you're doing really matches the path you're wanting to take.

There are some struggles that arise from a good support system, however, but are often preventable by learning a specific skill – the skill of not taking things personally. There is a stigma in today's society around the concept of being told to develop a thick skin, but that's just further evidence for developing this skill. It's okay to not be comfortable being told you're wrong – no one really wants to hear it, but sometimes an external perspective helps to point out issues with an approach. Why else are there so many therapy methods that are about focusing on trying to look at yourself from an outside perspective?

A good way to develop the capacity to receive feedback is by realizing and accepting that you're imperfect – all humans are. When we acknowledge and accept our humanity, we gain a greater capacity to accept that we won't do everything perfectly or correctly all the time, and thus we can be more content with our efforts. We tend to feel we have to be "perfect", everything goes from being something we want to do to a toxic, "must" that we feel we have to do – this is actually a cognitive distortion. When we feel we "must" do something, we no longer want to do that thing because we hate being told what to do, so we must show grace to ourselves.

That's the key here – finding the balance between grace and discipline, as once you find this balance, you will be able to sustain consistent, enduring progress and change. My hope for you, my friends, is that you will find the balance that works for you in the journey of becoming the person you've dreamed of becoming. Take care and do good – you're doing better than you think.

Ways I found to approach stress.

 Howdy my friends, I hope you are all doing well. I have been noticing a theme lately that concerns me because, really, it concerns everyone. So, what is this theme that has been weighing on me? Stress and society's attempt to run from the subject, even when stress is a much-needed variable in the equation of growth. Now I won't lie – I hate stress in all forms, even though I know it is good for me at times. I clarify this because this message is not saying that you've got to love the stress you experience, but rather that you should look at stress as a growth opportunity.

As a society, we tend to look at stress as the big "no-no", and as something bad; don't we? This mentality infiltrates all facets of daily life for us, including school, the workforce, the media, and even dating and long-term relationships! An example I will give is that one getting increasingly popular as the days go by, which is how people try to "run" from stress by using a "Cinderella" approach to relationships. So, what is the Cinderella approach? It's an approach where people wait for a Prince or Princess charming that they'll meet who will have everything they would ever want, who will sweep them off their feet and "fix" everything, then they'll live happily ever after.

Do you see the issue that resides in this concept? It is an attempt to run from stress by expecting someone else to handle the stress while we float on through life. That is one of the biggest issues we face – so often there is a message to "double it and pass it on" in regard to stress. This is where we double the stress and pass it to the next person, so we can avoid the stress ourselves. This erroneous concept removes the responsibility we have to take responsibility and action for our stress.

This theme repeats in so many aspects of life, much like an infection, and it is spreading at a very alarming rate. So how can we take responsibility and take action for our stress? How can we turn stress from a taboo into a boon? What is the remedy for this stress autoimmunity disorder? I would like to suggest three ways we can take this stress and make it into something productive.

The first way is to accept that stress is very real, but it doesn't have to define your experience. Stress is what I like to call a greedy perception, which is to say that it wants all of your attention, concern, and energy. The issue with this is that it wants to override the truth of your experiences and memories to highlight itself. To counter this, keep a positivity journal to highlight positive experiences and outcomes from the stressful situation, then focus on that. As you focus on the positive, you develop neurological pathways that – when exercised – will quickly spot the positive in other stressful situations.

The second way is to look for how stressful situations are helping get you to where you want to be. This principle reminds me of an old story I heard, where someone is drowning, and they pray for God to save them. Then, three different times, boats come and offer help, but the person drowning says "no, thank you, God will save me", then the person drowns. When the person gets to heaven, they ask God "why didn't you save me?" to which God replies, "I sent you three boats." Sometimes we have a desired destination of where and who we want to be, yet we rarely consider that. Often the way through presents itself, yet we overlook it because it's not how we expected it. The same can be said of stress – just because something is stressful doesn't mean it is wrong. Live in the moment and accept that stress is sometimes that moment, and it's okay.

The third and final way I'd like to recommend is to find ways to laugh at the absurdity of a stressful scenario. The choice to laugh in turn opens up other choices – it gives you certain control over the uncontrollable. Now I am not saying laugh like a psychopath at every bad thing that happens – but rather look for moments to express other emotions rather than just stress and anxiety, or else that's all you'll see. I hope that with these tools, you'll be able to see the good in your hardships – take care friends.

Addressing Pornography

 Howdy again my friends, I hope all is well with you and that life is going alright for you. Honestly, today I would like to talk about a more sensitive topic, and I would like to avoid mincing words and beating around the bush about it. The topic in question is that of pornography, and I know that it's apparently controversial to oppose it, yet that's exactly what I'm doing. Now, I am not doing this to judge anybody – that's not what I am here to do. I'm not oblivious to how hard life is, and how we as humans seek an escape from hardship, and dopamine responses are a pretty good escape.

The issue arises when the escape isn't – but actually is a very inviting trap. To quote an old friend of mine, "fresh air in a cage is better than none in a box." We often tend to feel that way, don't we? Like this world is overwhelming and that we have to run – to escape the discomfort of reality, or we'll die. It doesn't help that media is littered – and I do use litter in the context of trash here – with overtly sexual and pornographic materials. These things feed that "I need it, or I'll die" feeling towards anything sexual and intimate. Now we have to ask – why is that?

Part of it has to do with the fact that we live in an isolating world where technology replaces so many human interactions that we tend to be malnourished in intimate connection. This is followed by a subliminal message in the media that to truly "belong", you need that sensual yet transactional relationship that is somehow both committed yet free-range. Like, how the hell is that supposed to work? It doesn't, that's how. That's the trick of it – the media creates the dissonance, then gives an avenue to "escape" that dissonance. That avenue doesn't gravitate towards deep, meaningful and intimate relationships, but rather mirrors a cheap consumerism approach that keeps you buying more.

This cycle does so much harm in the long term as it warps our brains to truly think that how pornography works is how real relationships work. This in turn leads to all kinds of harm within the relationships we try to establish, as real relationships require work – not just a quick search and click. So how do we get out of that cycle? That's something I would like to look at with you all. The first step is to accept that the happy brain chemicals feel great – and there is nothing wrong with your brain and body responding positively to them. It's perfectly natural and, when used in the right conditions, a wonderful and beautiful thing – but porn just "ain't it".

The second step is to recognize that you want deep connection, not just a hit of dopamine. Once you realize that shallow pools aren't sufficient to sail to better lands, you must seek that which is deeper. To quote a character from one of my favorite shows, "It's time to look inward and start asking yourself the big question: who are you and what do you want?" — Uncle Iroh. You have to cross analyze your current habits with whom you want to become and then make changes to what you're currently doing to get where you want to be.

The third step is to acknowledge what your habit has contributed to you – both good and bad. You must also accept that you're going to experience feelings of loss and mourning as your brain does not know the difference between quitting this habit and losing a relationship. Part of letting go is mourning that which has been present for so long, and habits are no exception to this principle, so let yourself feel. You're not a villain or horrible for missing something that has been a constant and a support for you, you are human.

The fourth step is to not throw yourself into whatever "feels good" next – you're still wounded after all. Take your time and embrace the discomfort – it will be worthwhile when you persevere and reach the person you want to become. Let yourself grow and find your pace – it will be worth it. I believe in you! Keep pushing out of the pit and eventually you'll make it. Take care until next time my friends.

Perpetuating healthy dating culture.

 Howdy again my friends, I hope all is well with you. I'd like to talk about something I feel is relevant to all of us, especially in this day and age of comparison. A theme that keeps popping up around me is that of doing things to keep up with expectations and appearances. I reckon we're all guilty of this at one point or another, aren't we? We buy things we don't need because it is trendy, or rocket propel ourselves headfirst into situations that aren't sustainable long term because it's what is cool. Our culture has a heavy influence on how we do things, and the order in which we approach them, including relationships. There is one huge problem with this, however – they don't care about you or your long-term wellbeing.

Now, I know this may sound pessimistic, but I will elaborate, so bear with me. The prevailing culture – I'll just call it popularity culture – only cares that you have the shiny thing, but really it doesn't care how you got it, or what happens after the trend dies. One current trend that is especially harmful is actually one we overlook so often, which is the cultural trend of jumping right into committed relationships but skipping dating and courtship. Now, why is it harmful, you may ask? Because we lock ourselves into something we might not be ready for, with somebody we don't really know, and hope that it's a good match.

Some of you are probably thinking that dating is synonymous with being in a committed relationship, but it isn't exactly so. We tend to get dating mixed up with going on dates – there is a difference. While it is true that going on dates occurs within this, as well as other steps in a relationship, it is actually necessary to go on non-committal dates before committing full-heartedly and dating exclusively. This step of going on dates is there for your benefit – it is an environment where you can get to know someone and decide if you want to proceed to know them better, or to find a better match.

After this step comes the courting stage – a place where one can really isolate and focus in on someone they are really considering, or at least it should be. The issue is that we fly through or even skip this step entirely as cultural norms tend to push everyone to get into a committed relationship ASAP, but that lands us in all kinds of hot water. Too often we compare where we're at to where someone else is and feel like we "need" what they've got, and we make brash decisions. So how do we get past the peer pressure to do this? By self-evaluation – asking the right questions ourselves and making decisions with what we find.

The right kinds of questions can help you understand so much about yourself and your "why", which can help you figure out what you want. What I've found that helps are in-to-out questions, where you ask questions inward, then start to look outward with the answers you find. An example I'd like to use is this question – Am I ready for a long-term relationship? At a glance we want to shout "yes!" Really though, are we? Are we sure it's not loneliness speaking? Good questions help you to probe and discover what isn't always obvious.

That's the hardest part about self-analysis: you have to be honest with yourself, and it's not always what you want to hear. One example of this is of someone I knew who deeply wanted a relationship, but they were struggling to take care of themselves. One day they had to ask themselves if they were actually in a place where they could actually sustain a healthy, long-term committed relationship, and they realized they couldn't yet – and that's okay. Remember my friends – you get to be the one who decides what culture you perpetuate, so learn how to perpetuate a healthy culture that builds you up. Your future is worth improving for – never forget that and take care my friends.